If you are a government agency or secret society that has to provide information to the public, but want as few people as possible to read any details provided by your site, then follow these helpful tips to drive web traffic away and keep your X-file website buried.
You know that MIDI file on many web design newcomer’s homepages, that little annoying and unwanted ditty that blasts forth into users’ speakers? That is the perfect way to get web surfers to run screaming from your website. Remember to have your selected song on constant loop for it to be truly effective. This works particularly well if the song is a mushy love ballad dedicated to your dog. If you really want to ensure a low volume of web traffic, then be sure to have that same piece of music from your homepage playing on all pages throughout your entire site.
If you are selling something you do not want anyone to buy, be sure to avoid including any pictures of said product. A lack of visuals is detrimental to sales in the online world, so you will soon be on your way to selling nothing. Be sure not to list helpful details such as size, weight or colour of any item. Certainly avoid listing a price. You can have a large “buy now” button that will make your customers fill out all of their details including credit card before they even get to see a total cost. The more elusive the price and details, the more likely you are to make your customers crazy and abandon any purchases they were thinking of making. If you are really sadistic, you can provide all the details, and then hide the buy now button!
The best piece of advice for losing traffic is to have popup windows, lots of them. Make sure every link opens in a new window and every page transition should result in numerous pop ups. Remember to include valuable information (such as the elusive price of items they have been looking for) in the pop up ads that are sure to be blocked or closed before they finish loading. Many people have now installed a pop up blocker because they are getting wise to these annoying tactics.
If you are a government agency or other secretive alliance, then congratulations! By following the above, you have surely cut down the flow of traffic to your website. Your secret is now safe on your abandoned website. If, for some reason, you do actually want visitors to your website then the above tips should be viewed as a satire only and the advice should be reversed. Now why not focus on attracting traffic through good SEO writing?
